I live, I breathe

Wow. Life is weird. Not bad weird just weird. God does things in weird ways. My friends ( most of whom read this blog) just left. And life used to say i would be really depressed and just sad. And in many ways i am. I mean i still really wish they were here. I miss talking to them. But no longer will i let that sadness define what i do and how i view things. Before it was like i looked at everything in view of the fact that i lived thousands of miles away from my most wonderful friends. They were doing and having all kinds of experiences that i couldnt be a part of. And it hurt. NOW i look at it as, man, God gave me some amazing friends and yes i miss them and yes i wish i was with them. BUT He has also given me experiences to do and have here. Maybe theyre not fun in the way i would expect or like but they are still experiences that He has called me to have.

This weekend i went on a retreat with my youth group here. There were forty kids(teenagers, whatever) and like eight adults. Which in itself is pretty incredible because our youth group is not big. Lots of new people came and it was SO fun. Honestly, i wasnt expecting to have a great time. I mean the thing started the day all my friends left and i was not in the mood to have a good attitude. Sad yes but im being brutally honest here cause i can now. We had a speaker and a worship leader come from the States and both of them were incredible (deirdre and Tonya). I got the awesome opportunity to help on the worship team. Yall the worship on this trip was...i mean i dont even know how to describe it. Indescribable. All my life ive loved worship and what it means and the fact that we get to experience God through it and in some small, more than minute way, give something back to him. But this weekend i realized something. He doesnt have to always show up. We are still called to bless Him and worship Him, even when we dont FEEL anything. And not that He didnt show up this weekend cause He did in ways ive never seen before. ah. Its just that i realized that so much of my faith and worship was based on what i felt. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. We have to have feeling because this is after all the ultimate relationship. BUT feelings come and go. I realized this weekend that i need more than feeling to back up my faith and the truth of what i believe. Because honestly there are many many times that i have and will feel like giving up. hah, particularly lately as many of you know.

Ok so here's a specific example to hopefully make this make more sense. So throughout all her talks, Tonya talked about the Joy of the Lord. She kept saying that the Joy of the Lord is our Strength. And i was like yeah, i know that but what is wrong with me that i havent been able or willing to LIVE like i knew that these past few months. And then she said something that blew my mind and changed my life. literally. she said there are days where she has had to tell her body, mind and spirit that it is gonna be joyful if it kills her. That the joy of the Lord is her strength even when she feels as far away from joy as possible. The fact that the joy of the Lord is our strength is the truth, its God's word! And it doesnt change according to how WE feel. I was sitting there in complete amazement, What she was saying wasnt necessarily amazingly profound or complicated. It was simple and straightforward and yet it CHANGED my life. I realized that joy cant just be a feeling. Because if it is, its not constant. And the Lord has PROMISED that His joy is our strength. Period. Not just when we feel it. So joy has to be a mindset. And Tonya had this other phrase that i loved. She would say, SPeak it out your mouth!! She told us to speak truth over ourselves and to believe that truth and to walk in it. To SPEAK the joy of the Lord over ourselves. Yall, im a completely different person. He moved. Im still in amazement and awe. But the MOST amazing thing is that it didnt stop at the retreat. In fact its just beginning. Because at the retreat i felt a LOT. And that was awesome and i needed it. But now my mindset is based on the truths that were spoken. And those dont change or fade as the world closes in.

I could go on forever, and He did lots of other extremely cool things. But it will have to wait for the next blog. Cause i have to get ready for church. Oh but one last thing. We had teams at this retreat and lots of ridiculous relay competitions that im positive were created simply so the sponsors could laugh at us. Not that i blame them. So me and Conor were captains of the Sand Crabs. pretty sweet huh. So the first day we dominated at the games (go figure, we had a great team). The second day about twenty minutes before we started the games my co-captain managed to step on a sea urchin. I know, it was so sad. Im pretty sure he still has little black things in his foot. So he kindly promoted me to head captain (he had called me co-captain the whole time and insisted he was head captain). So me and Eric(the guy he named co-captain) now led the Sand crabs. Im not even sure why im telling this. it was funny then. We ended up winning which was pretty cool. yeah so that was pointless. Pray for Conor and his foot. i love yall!!!!